playlist

Real Estate - text

MINISTER
Hey! I said I didn't want you on these premise and I meant it! What do you think? We give hand outs here?

MARK
Is that any way to send a boy to meet his maker?
They should have known we couldn't pay the undertaker

BENNY
What happened to rest in peace?

MARK
It's true
And they wouldn't even take an IOU -- I give up

BENNY
Don't worry about him
I'll take care of it
Alison make a note -- church donation

MARK
It must be nice to have money.

BENNY
It is.

MARK
I don't know why I do this anymore
I'm all alone and my films no prize
But I've got the stuff -- at least everybody says so
All my friends have flown or are dropping like flies
And if that's not enough I'm in love with a lezbo
My rent is due, my family's nuts
I haven't had sex in a millenium
I'm stuck with you -- I hate your guts
And it's only ten am!

BENNY
Have you considered real estate?

MARK
Real estate?

BENNY
Real estate
Have you considered real estate as a career?
Could you consider real estate?

MARK
Let me get this straight --

BENNY
Could be great
Cohen and Coffin -- like Helmsley and Speare
I know it may it sound silly
It's a notion I've had for a while
Imagine us as affiliates
We could go to town
My savvy -- your smile
There's art in every deal
Create with bricks and steal

MARK
Real estate
I don't know

ALISON
What's with him?

MARK
I start work -- I don't complete
Am I uninspired, or just a perfectionist?
I'm such a jerk, I don't compete
I can't get hired as a PA or a projectionist
I hate my hair and my goatee
I talk in my sleep
But no one's there to listen
Why do I care about film or TV?
What they ever do for me?

BENNY
Have you considered real estate?

ALISON
Real estate

BENNY
Real estate!

MARK
I should consider real estate
My life is a dump

BENNY
Do consider real estate

MARK
Real estate

BENNY
We'll collaborate
Any fool can do it
Witness Donald Trump

MARK
Maybe it's time to stop carousing
Do something else more fulfilling
Couldn't we build low income housing?

BENNY
That's an idea! I mean it! Really!

MARK
It does have its appeal

BENNY
Doing for the common deal

BENNY & MARK
Real estate!

ALISON
Anyway, there ain't no money in documentary film
I said there ain't no money in documentary film
And I know there ain't no money cause folks get funny
They like things sunny, not truthful, honey
There ain't no money in documentary films
Any idiot can turn on a camera and shoot hobos
Developing property requires vision
Take that site over there
Last year empty lot -- next year super store
Last year filthy bum --

MARK
Person!

ALISON
Okay, filthy person
Next year automatic double doors
Last year empty boxes filled with strangers
Next year Might Morphin' Power Rangers

MARK
I'm doomed forever to be poor

MARK, ALISON & BENNY (done in a round - not all lyrics are here)
There ain't no money in documentary films
There ain't no money in documentary films
There ain't no money cause folks get funny
They like things sunny, not truthful honey
There ain't no money in documentary films

BENNY
Meet you back in Scarsdale

ALISON
Last year crummy boho goon
Next year corporate tycoon

BENNY
A team like Snow White and a Dwarf
Like Edwin Coch and Steven Gorne

MARK
I'll never have that kind of zeal
And my expose will soon reveal
I'm just not cut out for...

ALL THREE
Real estate!
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